Eyes That See

“I Once Was Blind”

Two Sets of Hands.

I was saved by the grace of God. When I look back now, I can clearly see two different sets of outside hands in my life in two different times.
The first set of hands was clearly leading me away from God. The deceiver’s first move was a very good one. He steered me away from the Bible. I discussed this further in the note “My Story.”
The Columbine ordeal was very stressful to my faith as well. I heard about the strength of the saints who professed their faith, even though it meant their death. When I imagined what I would do in the situation that they were put in, I completely doubted my strength in the faith. I wasn’t even strong enough to share my beliefs with my friends and fellow students, and I wondered how a faith that weak could be strong with a gun to my head.
So I concluded that faith which would not hold out even unto death was meaningless. I was trying to live my life according to the Christian faith, and I was depriving myself of things that my peers were enjoying. I was struggling with temptation, and instead of fighting those temptations I took the coward’s way out. I decided that it if I couldn’t hold to my faith in the face of death, then it would be foolish to miss out on selfish desires and pleasures because of that faith.
The serpant also used the fairer sex to blind my eyes, plug my ears, and harden my heart towards God.
I went down a stairstep process as I widened how acceptive I would be with girls. Until that time I was committed both to being a virgin until marriage and to marrying a girl who was a virgin. I had stopped going to church and stopped reading the Bible, so instead of trusting the Lord with all my heart as I shaped my concept of what I was looking for in a girl, I leaned on my own understanding (opposite of Proverbs 3:5).
So when I established the boundaries of what I would accept in “her” (“her” being the ideal girl), I began to allow less and less discipline in my own life. I reasoned that if I could accept something in “her”, I could expect her to accept the same things in me. That slippery slope eventually bottomed out with something along the lines of- “if I loved her, I could accept that she had done _____, so I can do _____.”

As I drifted further and further away from God, I became more and more reclusive. I started to make up my own mind for the first time about religious issues. I have recently thought that it is a very good possibility that my “age of accountability” came pretty late. I would say possibly around 18 when I first started making my own decisions instead of basing my decisions largely on what I had heard in church my whole life and believing things because my parents and siblings and others believed them. The problem is that I based those decisions on my own understanding and my own life experiences, with a bias against God. I could not allow the possibility that God could exist because I could not believe that God esisted and live the way that I wanted to live- seeking my own pleasures and my own desires.
And so I used my God-given wisdom to justify God away.

Fast forward through college and to Cleveland, MS. I was playing basketball for the Mississippi Miracles, and things were not going as well as I had hoped. When I was ready to leave, two options opened up for me. In hindsight, I believe that God blinded me to all other options and made it seem as though these two choices were all that I had to choose from:
I had gone to Tunica, MS to try to get some casinos to sponsor the Miracles. One of the big shots at a casino in Tunica told me that his casino needed smart, young guys like me, and that if I ever wanted a job I should give him a call. Not long after that, I was ready to leave the Miracles and get a “real” job, so I called the guy. He told me to fill out an application on their website and that he would get back to me in a couple of days. We had a road trip that week to Houston, which is where my brother lives. I was ready to be done with the basketball team, and I remember telling some guys that if the road trip was to anywhere other than Houston I would not have gone.
I stayed with my brother when I was in Houston, and I told him that I was ready to give up on basketball and get a “real” job. I also told him about the Tunica idea. He suggested that I move to Houston and stay with his family until I found a job and a place of my own. I was leaning towards doing the Tunica thing, but I told him that I would think about it.
I now see that those two choices were definitely not the only ones available to me at the time, but I did not see it that way then.



August 25, 2007 - Posted by | Uncategorized

1 Comment »

  1. […] Personal Breakthrough on Job. For those of you who have not read my testimony (here, here, here, and here), I grew up in a Christian home, started doubting and questioning my faith towards […]

    Pingback by A Personal Breakthrough on Job. « Eyes That See | June 14, 2008 | Reply

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